Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Satires are posted here by 9:30 a.m. Friday

Here's a link to The Onion.

5 comments:

madsen said...

A new perceived record at the Masters tournament held in August National, The crowd has grown from anticipation of becoming the newest Tiger mistress. Many of which were half dressed early 20's females who were hoping to see a hole-in-one. Tiger with hopes of earning the green jacket, realized he had an unfair advantage as a "God" and became "mortal" just last month before his suspension was up, relinquishing his throne beside Zeus and handing his bow and arrows to Jesse James. James had no comment about his heightened abilities to sway the younger crowd but Tiger did have this to say. "Its business as usual. It was a lot of fun." Speaking of course about his opening day, not his mistresses.

Anonymous said...

The Catholic Church begins to assign new after school clubs for sex abused teens.
Everybody knows the structure that the Catholic Church has brought upon them with all the different sex scandals that have been exposed in the recent years. Pope Benedict began to brainstorm different solutions to this problem with his people in the holy Vacancy City. He states that gathering all the teens and children that have been abused together will help them cope more fully. They would be able to share stories and prepare themselves for the outside world. Everybody knows that they will always be judged because of that. Also, the priest that abused these children will receive community hours as well as time away from practicing any religious activities with the church.
It is very evident that the Catholic Church has done its best to try to reduce the problem to a smaller percentage but it seems so surreal when the more they try the more the statistic rise. Pope Benedict has just recently became completely informed and decided to begin this program all around the world.
“The pledge that a priest makes is sacred, but god will forgive and so should we” Pope Benedict stated in a conference meeting Easter Sunday. Many of them are getting help through volunteers through different community foundations. It will help the Catholic Churches save money and would be able to invest in future foundations that will sponsor children that have been abused by church officials.
Churches all over the world will have to state a specific record of the abused children and how they are succeeding in their treatment. Also, the priest are forced to make an apology in from of his church community and the community then has a right to vote if the priest deserves to stay with their church or gets transferred to another one. It’s very simple.
Society hopes this issue gets resolved because the church cannot be waiting any more money on funds like these. We will be reporting back with new updates in the future.

curlyflory19 said...

By: Elizabeth Salgado
Piranhas’ Stocking Their Prey
The darkest and scariest day had finally arrived at the windy city of Chicago. As soon as thanksgiving passes; you know what the next most anticipated event that is look forward to. Yup! You guessed right: Black Friday! This is the most terrifying day in the calendar where anything can go absolutely horrible. According to the Best Buy supervisor they had an estimate of 10,000 customers in a period of sixteen hours. Mr. Jingles stated, “Today was the most terrifying day in my life. People were running over each other stepping on their bodies like if they were some cockroaches or something.”
People were all scattered all around the store speeding through the aisle hurrying to fetch their prey before any other piranhas’ did. Another, customer commented, “I got hit in the face by Wii video game by a young kid because it was the last one.” There were many different cases it started from arguments in the line which many policemen had to interfere to actual deaths.
Overall, the news reporters reported that there was an estimate of ten deaths, and six hundred injured. Most accidents (which were actually performed purposely), involve people fighting one another, throwing TVs’ at peoples bodies, little kids pushing over elderly people, and people having health problems.
There you have it one more extreme year on Black Friday, know you can surmise why it is named Black Friday and not White day.

curlyflory19 said...

By: Elizabeth Salgado
Piranhas’ Stocking Their Prey
The darkest and scariest day had finally arrived at the windy city of Chicago. As soon as thanksgiving passes; you know what the next most anticipated event that is look forward to. Yup! You guessed right: Black Friday! This is the most terrifying day in the calendar where anything can go absolutely horrible. According to the Best Buy supervisor they had an estimate of 10,000 customers in a period of sixteen hours. Mr. Jingles stated, “Today was the most terrifying day in my life. People were running over each other stepping on their bodies like if they were some cockroaches or something.”
People were all scattered all around the store speeding through the aisle hurrying to fetch their prey before any other piranhas’ did. Another, customer commented, “I got hit in the face by Wii video game by a young kid because it was the last one.” There were many different cases it started from arguments in the line which many policemen had to interfere to actual deaths.
Overall, the news reporters reported that there was an estimate of ten deaths, and six hundred injured. Most accidents (which were actually performed purposely), involve people fighting one another, throwing TVs’ at peoples bodies, little kids pushing over elderly people, and people having health problems.
There you have it one more extreme year on Black Friday, know you can surmise why it is named Black Friday and not White day.

curlyflory19 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.