Monday, November 30, 2009

Portfolio Guidelines

You MUST make TWO copies of your Final Portfolio. These are the guidelines/steps:
1) The Portfolio is a collection of revised essays and a Statement of Belief.
2) It must be 10 pages long (minimum). It MUST include revisions of 2-3 essays and MUST include a 2-3 page Statement. It MUST be in 12-point font.
3) First, choose 2-3 essays that you'd like to revise.
4) For each essay, make a list of the corrections you have to make. (Use my notes, peer notes, old drafts, things you notice.)
5) Go into your files, and open up the documents so that you can start to change small things.
6) After you've made MINOR corrections, read the whole essay and decide on what MAJOR changes you will make (add ideas? expand ideas? include another comparison?). Work on those. Be creative and thoughtful.
7) Read the essays aloud--with corrections and changes made. What else needs to be done? Do the essays make sense?
8) Read the descriptions of each component of the Rubric. Are you doing work that strives for the "Excellent" description?
9) Make more corrections and changes.
10) Print up final copies of the essays. Read them all at once. What do they have in common? Think about your writing style and your ideas.
11) Write your Statement of Belief. This statement will explain what's in your portfolio and how you feel about your writing and ideas. (You should have started to think this over in class.)
12) In 2-3 double-spaced pages, answer ALL of these questions:

What is something in which you strongly believe?
How does that belief make you unique?
What have you learned/do you know about the struggles of individuals within systems?
When do systems work? When do they fail? Who gets hurt? Who benefits?
How do your ideas about individuals/systems connect to your belief?
How do those two things connect to the writing in your portfolio?
How have you used rhetoric to communicate these ideas?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

From Olivia: What's next?

M Nov 30
Discussion
List: An entire reading semester of tricks/techniques
HMWK:
In your journal, make a list of ten interesting connections between texts (you’ll need this later) DON'T DO THIS

Change of Plans:
Find a photograph of yourself that demonstrates YOU in a SYSTEM. It can be from any moment in your life and can be a positive or negative system. But there must be clear details that you could point out, details that reveal the characteristics of the system, the effect such a system had on you as an INDIVIDUAL. Make a clear photocopy of it.


W Dec 2
Video clip: King of Kong--PLUS--recordings for our Audio Library
HMWK:
In your journal, make a list of ten or more questions (grammatical, practical, textual, etc.). You should re-read the entire syllabus as a way of informing your questions. Click here.

F Dec 4
Questions Day // Portfolio guidelines and preparation
HMWK:
Get your materials together; decide on portfolio components

M Dec 7
Questions on portfolios? // Explanation of FINAL EXAM
HMWK:
1. Definitively choose your FINAL EXAM image, and bring it to class. Please do not use your only copy of this photograph, as I cannot guarantee its safety.
2. Work on your portfolio

W Dec 9
Work Day: image, thesis, outline, peer review of thesis statement
HMWK:
Portfolio and Final prep; please remember to go to the classroom number I announce in class. We will be in a computer lab.

F Dec 11
FINAL
Location: TBA

MONDAY DECEMBER 14:
Portfolios (with ripped out journal pages organized and stapled together) are due by 3 p.m. in my office (CLS/LHW-2084). If your work is not in my hand (no e-mailed copies) at this time, you will get a zero. I make absolutely no exceptions; I am serious.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

ELEVEN SECTION: [AGUILAR]

The New Face of Fast Food

It was shocking news today, when Chairman of the multi-billion dollar, fast food chain Burger King announced a project that would stun America. The project was an idea brought back from 6 years ago when it was first submitted to the Chairman. Burger King is introducing a new speaker box for participating drive through locations. This speaker box is said to enhance the voice of a person that was not born in the United States. What the speaker box specifically does is it lets out an “Americanized” voice when talked into. This is said to break down stereo types that most Latinos work at fast food chains. When asked about the new box, Chairman Donald Fump answered us with this shocking reply:
“This new box will eliminate any tension between a White and Latino man. The box will influence customers to connect with the worker instead of just stating their order, and driving away as fast as they can while talking on their cell phone. When the customer approaches the window, employees will reveal themselves with a mask that will make them appear lighter skinned. This is completely voluntary although highly recommended but a necessity if the customer asks for it. With the box and mask combination, we will get more customers that are willing to smile at the employees as well. Finally, all speaker boxes will have buttons on the outside of it to choose the different types of voices that will take their order. Not only will they be able to choose that, but they will also be able to change the skin tone of the mask the employee wears when he or she greets the customer at the window. We think that this could be a huge step in making fast food more fun, fashionable, and family friendly.” The speaker box will be installed in 800 locations around the country beginning November 22nd. Expect to see more changes like these around Wendy’s, McDonalds, and Taco Bell summer 2011.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Two Section- Raul Puentes


The Rebirth of The Gladiator

The world is now being introduced to the revival of the Gladiator era. Many people were complaining that guns and gangs have been affecting their communities and wanted something to be done about the matter. Professionals have looked into it and have come up with a way to preserve a famous antediluvian culture. Ideas such as regulating gun control and harsher punishment in jail have been discussed but none seem to work. THE GLADIATOR the rebirth of history is a new sport and TV show that consists of gang members being placed into the gladiator arena and fight for their dear lives to the very end. The entertainment for our good people has just made an evolution. This has got to be the best thing yet in this 21st century. Many jobs have been created as well. Gang hunters had to be hired to collect the gang members off the streets and keep them imprisoned for the next series of games. Construction workers have also been hired in the building of the colossal gladiator arenas.

An excited spectator of the games stated, “It’s amazing how a game can make such a difference to a country. This rebirth of the Gladiator has brought more money into our economy, made a new style of entertainment, cleansed our streets from violence and caused the crime rate within our communities to decrease. I also fell in love with the gladiator apparel they have made for the public! My son looks so cute in his little gladiator outfit, and of course he is a big fan of the Latin Kings since they are the ones who usually put up the best fight against the lions.

The Gladiator is definitely the new hip thing. Shops and new clothing lines have been made to look like the brave gladiators and support your favorite gang to the end. Action figures are being made and sold in local toy stores. Cereal boxes include fun prizes from Gladiator such as toy body parts that gladiators would lose in battle. There are many so if you can collect them all you can win tickets for the next series of games. These sales are incredibly high which is vital for our economy as it brought us out of this dreadful recession and has escalated us into a thriving economy. The TV ratings are extremely high as well as the purchase of tickets. There is rumor of a worldwide show to be made, GLADIATOR Mafia Wipeout.

Every week new teams of gladiators are being introduced as prisoners in jail are now being submitted to the games. The money that was used for keeping a prisoner imprisoned is now being transferred into our schools and education. Kids are now getting better school material and are safer at school without the unnecessary gang violence around them. The GLADIATOR has indeed become the good peoples savior as it has gotten rid of gang violence within our communities, created more jobs, improved our economy, provided a new source of entertainment, provided more money for schools, made new style of fashion in clothing stores, and has brought families together.

Two Section: Chitrapongse

Unemployment Leads to Happiness for Americans

In 2008 though 2009, unemployment rate in America has gone up drastically due the to the lack of work companies have for people. The companies themselves are losing millions of dollars from the bad economy America is facing so far. However, thousands of employees are overjoyed being the lucky ones to be unemployed. “I was so sickly happy to be unemployed because what’s better than staying home sitting on my butt doing nothing and still get paid?” said Shane Jackson who was working as a bank investor at WaMu for 10 years. Apparently, Americans who are unemployed are getting unemployment benefits now. People are getting free money every two weeks just for sitting on their ass! How great is that?

According to the surveys of the unemployed labor force, people stated that they are finally able to relax for a full year or two after working so hard for so many years. “I don’t think I want to go back to work now. I thought it was great, getting a letter from my manager saying that I was now unemployed. I was so happy that I ran like hell out of that place and I know all the workers were so excited for me too. Before I would see some of the them line up and wait anxiously by the manager’s door hoping to be the next person he calls in to be unemployed,” said John Black who was recently unemployed.

Cases show that America is becoming more of laid back country now that unemployment rate has increased. Australia is recognizing our new life style now and they are giving us the “thumbs up”. Americans can now have more opportunity to spend time with spouse and children. People are a lot healthier now because they don’t need to stress about work as much anymore. Psychologist experts stated that Americans are so happy and cheerful now. There is no more violence or drug abuse because parents are getting more involved with their children’s lives instead of being stuck at work all the time. The crime rate has gone down dramatically because of the unemployment rate. “I think it’s better this way because now life is easy for me because I don’t need to work for my money now. Look how fat I got!” said Hugh Chommy another recently unemployed person who lives with his mother now. People believe America is surely on the right path!

ONE SECTION: [VALLEJO]

Pattern alert! If you don’t have one, you better get one!

Eight out of ten women have name brand purses, scarves, coats or even shoes.
Coach, Burberry, Gucci and so on are all very expensive brands. They all have clothes, purses, wallets, hats, gloves and more with their patterns all over them.
Name brands are so important in today’s society, and if you don’t have one of those expensive patterns, then sorry but you’re not worth much.
So go out there, and buy your way into our ranking world and classify yourself as “important”.

By: Victoria Vallejo

ONE SECTION: [GALLEGOS]

NEW ADDITIONS TO THE "BRADJOLINA" FAMILY!!

We all have heard about the tragic food shortages in Africa Where millions of kids are dying from starvation. A young boy who is only 6 years-old weighs only 32 pounds and does not have much to eat because the little food he does have must be split between him and his other siblings. According to CBS news, 6 year-old Akuma will not live longer than 18 years old because of this horrible situation. U.S. citizens are trying to do the best they can to volunteer and donate food, but they are too caught up in “Bradjolina’s” lives, which is obviously more important because she just adopted more kids from starving countries!
More importantly, not only did Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie recently adopt more kids, they adopted ten from all different parts of the world!
Isn’t that incredible! She quotes, “I really want to help the needy and so I decided to take only one lucky kid from each foreign country, which looks like me of course with fat lips, and take them into my home and spoil them with love.” Wow! How wonderful are they to do such a glorious good deed? Why bother saving kids who are starving when you can adopt just ten like Brad and Angelina. They are just the most perfect couple in the whole world. Not only did Angelina steal Brad from Jennifer Aniston, she has his kids too!! She is just so wonderful! Time Magazine names her greatest woman of the year! Not even Oprah can beat that and she is just a host on some talk show.
How can anyone not like Brad and Angelina? How can the entire world not love her after she has adopted so many kids? She does it every year! Every TV channel, magazine and internet source has it on their front page of course! It’s the highlight of everyone’s lives. No other person, or better yet, any couple can top Brad and Angelina in anything in life; they are perfect in every single way. Make sure to follow up on Bradjolina’s new show premiering next Sunday on MTV. It will be the biggest event of the year!

One Section: Jeewa

Sending More Troops To Middle East



All young adults aged seventeen and above should report to their National Defense security as we are in a state of war and in need of drafting. America is overloaded with people. The population size surpasses the land size. What a better way to unload some bodies other then sending them to war. America is now deciding to make a mini-America in every country in the Middle East. Since we are always concerned about something bad happening in different countries, they want to make sure that the “terrorist” know that America is right around the corner. America has also signed document that state that they will now be controlling all the police forces in other countries. One NFL player, living his dream to play pro football, was given the good news about being drafted. He replied “Being drafted is the best thing ever. I can’t wait to take the duty of leading other nation’s police force.” He was later killed in war. America is now the safest place to live. It does not have high violence rates and there is no need for more security. With all the extra people left, we can just send them to war. Police department all over America are cutting jobs. “With two hundred million people in the task force, we have decided that we don’t need that many people. They can go help other countries,” said Mark Longwell, head chairmen of Department of National World Alliance Under All the Countries as One Nation (D.N.W.A.U.A.C.O.N). America is now the richest country. We are so rich that we make Canada look rich. There is no poverty in America. It only takes five dollars to send a soldier of to war. The government is now holding a contest and the winning country will get all the extra money America has. The government also decided to tweak the constitution by changing the first amendment to “You First, Us Second”. The “You First, Us Second” is sure helping the other countries because the other countries are now first priority. The D.N.W.A.U.A.C.O.N has announced that in the first quarter of 2010, they will be giving everybody in the Middle East cell phones. This way people can track their new police force on twitter.

By: Saad Jeewa


Mayor Daley Sets Meeting to Discuss What’s for Lunch


CHICAGO, IL- Mayor of Chicago, Richard M. Daley, calls for a meeting with the City of Chicago Streets and Sanitation to discuss what they will be having for lunch. “We should start eating healthier food for lunch” said Mayor Daley. Adding that he has done the research and he has concluded that the food he has been eating would lead to clogged arteries, and would make him fall asleep on the job. The head of the City of Chicago Streets and Sanitation made a statement saying that they would not be able to afford eating healthier on a daily basis. Although, the Mayor, and The City of Chicago may not see eye to eye on solutions to most of the issues that the city faces, they have come to an agreement that they would raise the sales tax from 10.25% to 18.5%, so they would be able to have a healthier menu for lunch.

Two Section: Patzan

Poor Little Rich People
By Brian Patzan

With the economy going horribly bad and the unemployment rate going into double digits it seems as all is lost for the wealthy.

Drastic measures will be taken in order to survive.

Due to massive budget cuts, oil owners will be reduced to only pre-ordering next year’s Mercedes models and owning small mansions with only nine bedrooms and three pools.

Due to economic prices, Oprah will have to cut back and move to a smaller island a few miles off the Bahamas.

Eddy, a plastic surgeon, says “I now have to give up my Bentley for a Porsche and possibly move to Hawaii to afford a good tan.”

With the way the economy is going, these multi-millionaires will have to refine themselves to only remedial luxuries.

ONE SECTION: [Lopez]

From the Streets to the War in Iraq

By Rebecca Lopez

Colors, hand signs, and territories is what causes a gang to fight one another. The Latin Kings and Cobras are only two of many gang groups that are terrorizing our communities; and the violence among them is only increasing. However, you don’t have to be involved in an actual gang to be "jumped" by other gang members. Gang violence is even affecting the innocent people, who by mistake decided to wear the gang’s rival colors.

 May 17 of last year, in Los Angeles a young boy of sixteen was brutally assaulted while walking to his home. Witnesses said to have heard a lot of yelling, and when they looked outside, the boy was on the floor being beat by three individuals.

 "The boy was wearing the rival gang colors on his shirt" said City Official Jenner of LAPD, "They are finding every reason to fight."

The three suspects were then found, fined, and then released. However, months later they were arrested again for a similar case.

 This is only one of many gang violence stories occurring all over the united states, Los Angeles, Chicago, and the Bronx being the most common cities. Gang violence is indeed increasing in our streets. Gang bangers are finding any excuse to fight. If only they used this anger and energy for good.

 President Obama met with Congress to start a new plan to end this problem, and bring peace and safety to our streets. In a press conference last Monday, he explained the new plan.

 State officials will drive around the city streets picking up any person wearing baggy clothes, with tattoos, or in big groups. They will be taken to a secret facility where they will be given uniforms and then put on a plane and sent to Iraq to fight in the war.

 "They have a huge urge to fight. Why not fight for our country," he stated, "they can take out all their anger and energy fighting the real enemy".

 President Obama is also asking for the country's cooperation. He asks anybody who has a friend or family relative in a gang to turn them in to State Officials by December 1, 2009. However, will people really cooperate? Will this new plan really end gang violence?

 Many fellow citizens don’t believe this is the right approach to ending the violence.

"We need to help them. We need to change them,” said Michael Jay, a Professor at Harvard University, "the help starts in their own homes."

 Congress has passed this Gangster-Free Plan that will take effect on December 25. We hope President Obama is right, and our streets will be safe again.

One Section: Kalom


Feet Shrinking: The Newest Trend
The Interview with star Vivian Smith about all her lifts, tucks and tugs. . . and what's to come for her

Q: First off, you have gotten the most work done in Hollywood. Why do you think that is?
A: I want society to see me as the perfect model of what women should look like. . . even if that means changing everything about my body.

Q: So what have you changed so far to fit this image?
A: The basics: my nose, stomach, boobs, thighs, chin, ears, fingers, hair, eyes. I only change the stuff that matters. There's more but I can't remember them all.

Q: Seems pretty basic. So why did you change those specific things?
A: Well my nose was huge. My stomach was fat. My boobs were too small. My thighs had too much fat. My chin was too big. My ears were too pointy and big. My fingers were too long and fat. My hair is always the wrong color. My eyes were an ugly color too. It's only stuff that I need to change because everyone in the media and society is telling me to. I've also had to change some of the things that I changed once before because with the change of time comes the change of style. I have had my thighs done a few times because thick was in one year and then out the next. So hard to keep up. 

Q: What do you plan on getting done next?
A: The newest trend is  feet shrinking. All the celebrities are doing it. I wear a size 8 and I want to go down to a 5. After that, we'll see what society tells me is wrong with my body and I'll fix those problems as they come up. I also heard that trimming all the fat off your next is going to be the up and coming thing soon.

Q: Any advice to those young girls who admire you so much?
A: Love your body. . . unless society tells you it's ugly. Then, change it until society is happy. You will adjust to the changes. I have had to many and I have adjusted well.

Q: One last thing; any way you can tell us what some of the other stars have gotten done?
A: Well, I'm not one to gossip, but a few of The Hills stars might be looking shorter due to some leg surgery. 

ONE SECTION: Carrera





Chicago announces controversial plan to rid city of gangs

By JESUS CARRERA

Published: November 18, 2009

CHICAGO- In an attempt to rid all the gang problems in Chicago, the Mayor has revealed a plan to send over 100 gang members to an island where they will kill each other.

“Chicago, for many years, has been affected by this senseless violence and the only idea I could come up was to just round all the gang members, put them all in one island with a large amount of weapons, and let them shoot it out.” Chicago Mayor said that this would be less expensive than “various plans that we could have chosen from, but this one made more sense, people want immediate results and when we gave the idea about involving parents in students daily life, helping their children choose what kind of friends they may have, or even building gang rehabilitation centers did not receive approval.”

According to the plan, the proposed island will be chosen as close to the city as possible, the city plans to build an artificial island in the middle of Lake Michigan, it will require approximately five years to complete. Upon completion, a system will choose 100 gang members that have committed at least one offense in the past year, and from there he/she will be kidnapped and taken to the island. Upon awakening he/she will receive a bag with two random weapons and a digital map showing the location of the other gang members. "Killing each other is what they do anyway" says the Mayor "But this time,it will be allowed since it is being done in an controlled environment" There will be only one winner. The process will be repeated as many times as it needs to be.


Two Section: Nunez

It's Your LIFE

Have you ever felt scared of the unknown? Are you not aware about the kind of environment you are living in? Well worry no more! I am here to tell you about something that is impacting our lives everyday and without even realizing it, it could potentially be killing you as you are reading this. Without further talk, here is my petition with the top ten reason to ban Di-hydrogen Monoxide.

10.) Can cause athlete's foot
9.) Symptoms of ingestion include "excessive sweating and urination"
8.) Has been known to cause complete demolition to housing
7.) Can be used to make catalyst bombs
6.) Can potentially drown
5.) It is in crops and in most of the food you eat
4.) This chemical has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients
3.) If you consume too much of this chemical it can kill you
2.) The presence of this chemical has been found in every river, stream, reservoir, and lake in the world

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO BAN DI-HYDROGEN MONOXIDE.......
1.) It composes over 75 percent of the planet

So now please take the time to consider these reasons. Imagine your baby eating his or her baby food with this chemical in it, are you a baby killer? Do you want your baby to die? Please join me for a better tomorrow by signing here: X_________________________________

ONE SECTION: Hamilton

The Global Warming Worry Brings People From All Corners of the World to One Spot
Im honor of NBC's "Going Green Week," many celebrities joined forces to form a national project in which all people in America limit their production of unnecessary harmful gases.  At the head of the organization is George Clooney, famously known for his contributions to this cause.  Although he was held up at the airport because his personal jet was low on fuel, he arrived in style; the stretch Hummer he rolled up in was a traffic-stopping sight.  When he finally got inside and started  the program (a nationally broadcasted telethon), he started by saying, "As our world falls apart, we need to come together."  This statement was followed by a standing ovation worthy of the Queen of England.
However, not to be out-done, Woody Harrelson landed on the roof-top in his helicopter.  Being the eco-friendly man he is, "GO GREEN OR GO HOME" was painted on the side.  When asked about it, he said, "It was very hard to get the paint to stay on the thing, so we had to search for lead-based paint.  A small price to pay for the over-all effect it will have."
While this is going on outside, inside Clooney was giving the people of America a lecture on how to be more conscience of what they are putting into the air.  "Is getting to work early really worth creating holes in the o-zone layer?" he said and was applauded for his strong beliefs.  Also, Clooney continued to stress how important it was for the viewers at home to keep the television on in order to keep up with the developments and news brought about by the many news-choppers circling the area; they were instated to show the miles and miles of traffic caused by the flocks of people coming to support the cause.   
Toward the end of the night, many of the celebrities and other volunteers gathered outside to burn a pile of garbage equal to that of five New York dumpsters; this show of extreme love for the environment created a feeling of togetherness.  Not a single eye was dry as the broadcast came to a close.  
As a final salute to the cause, the celebrities had managed to get the Blue Angels to perform under the stars.  This sight was one of extreme respect and love for Mother Earth, especially considering how much it costs to get this beautiful show off the ground, so to speak.  "These events fuel the passion for the cause," says Clooney.  "Hopefully we can do this again soon.  I feel that it really helped the public how important it is to pay closer attention to how each individual affects the environment.  Remember," he said into the camera, "one person can make all the difference."  How right he is.

TWO SECTION [Villagomez]

Chicago’s alternative to CTA

 CHICAGO, IL—On November 12, 2009, the Chicago Transit Authority passed the 2010 budget. This plan maintains the fares at $2.25 instead of a whopping $3.00. Soon after the President, Terry Peterson, said “There will be no fare increase in the 2010 budget that we’re passing today”, the mass crowd standing before Peterson literally jumped up in joy and many began to hug each other. However, the crowd fell cricket-hearing silent when the actual plan was announced. Express bus services on nine routes and almost 1,100 jobs will be cut for the $1.27 billion budget.

Soon after most of the crowd stopped crying, a group of college students were laughing. The tallest guy, Jake, said “you know what, we’ve been waiting for this. The busses are going to take forever and when we get to them, they’ll be crowded. But that’s fine. We have a plan.” Then the shortest guy, Brian, said, “Yeah, we’re in the Health and Fitness club at school. We’ve teamed up with the ‘Metals and Things’ club and made a cheaper and faster alternative to the bus. They’ve created this bicycle that can hold up to about 11 people. If eleven people use it, not only will there be less work in getting the bicycle to move, but it would get everyone to lose weight!”

 Jennifer, a student part of the test trial for this bicycle said, “It’s so amazing. I’m actually losing weight and I’m not doing a thing. I love it, and more and more people are joining us!” Jennifer lost about 1.1 lbs using the bicycle for 15minutes.

 “And if people are worried about the cold, the next generation of bicycles will have seat warmers. So far we have about 367 people using this current generation. And as the word continues to spread, more and more people are joining us. It’s going to be great. Everyone now has a chance to stop spending so much money, being late for work on crowded busses everyday, and exercise. And in the spring, everything will be warmer! We’re starting a revolution.”, Jennifer says after laughing at the crying crowd.

“It’s part of our plan to get everyone to lose weight and save their money. We’re excited and for those who can’t ride bikes or are just plain tired, our club is also coming up with a service. One person will bike and everyone else can sit on the biker’s shoulders, and families or groups of people, can stack on each others shoulders!”, Jake added.

 Although most Chicagoans are considering this, the more impatient are beginning to buy cars, and even walk the extra 20 miles.

Service changes go into effect February 2010 but the bicycles are now selling for $2.20 a person. 

ELEVEN SECTION: Scescke

TV Ratings Drop; Major News Shows Viewership Falls

Nielsen Media Research has determined that viewership for three major American news programs has declined significantly in 2009. According to their data, FOX News' audience share decreased by 17%, ABC News' share decreased by 20%, and NBC News' share decreased by 26%. These sudden, relatively steep falls in viewers come as a disturbing shock to the networks.

A representative from "Good Morning America", the morning news show on ABC News, weighs in on the issue: "I think that this is really sad, not just for the networks but for the nation. People just don't care about current events anymore, and how is an uninformed population going to be able to make good decisions for our future? I'm just worried that, without knowing important new events such as the results of the most recent seasons of 'American Idol' and 'Dancing with the Stars', Americans will become the ignorant people that they are stereotyped to be."

An anchor from FOX News agrees on this stance, saying: "I mean, we do our best to make watching the news fun, but the bottom line is that it is essential to watch the news in order to become a conscientious citizen. We need to know what our celebrities are doing because otherwise, they would cease to be celebrities. I find it tragic that people are losing interest in the lives of those who they themselves made famous. If movie ratings are not decreasing suddenly, why aren't Americans more interested in the current events of the movie stars' lives?"

These concerns are echoed throughout the three networks as results of the research are circulated. All stations fear an America that is uninformed of the most recent results of an array of reality shows, the most recent celebrity hookups, and groundbreaking news about how what people eat may be correlated to their weight.

"Last Tuesday, we did a segment on the dangers of wearing high heels for the elderly. If people weren't watching that, I am worried about the health and future of our nation." -Steve Capus, president of NBC News

ELEVEN SECTION:Alvarado


Man Divorces Wife of 5 years because she’s a “freak”
It was a stormy Saturday night when Jared Mann at the time 24 first laid eyes on Mary Johnson at the popular Sound Bar, now known as the MetroMix. “They hit off well right from the start” says Mike, former bartender from the bar, “they talked for hours and I remember this particular couple because they had a certain glow to them”

“After the night at the bar Mary and Jared dated and soon got married” says close friend, who preferred to remain anonymous. The couple was very happy until one day on their vacation to Cancun, Mexico where Jared discovered something that he never knew about his beloved Mary. “I was terrified when I saw it” said Jared with a look as though he had just sucked on a lemon. “Her second toe was longer than her big toe!” Jared exclaimed “I just don’t know how she kept this from me”

When asked why she didn’t tell her husband about the disturbing truth Mary said “I didn’t want to scare him off. I’ve lost so many opportunities because of it. I’ve lost friends, jobs and a lot of people look down upon me. I just want everyone to see that we are all the same and freak or not we should all be given the same rights.”

An online poll was taken with the question being "would you have done the same as Jared if you were in this situation?" 78% answered yes while 22% said no. Some of the Reponses to this particular situation was “Mary shouldn’t even be allowed to reproduce its freaks like her that make our race inferior and make it dirty” says civilian. Another civilion said “this is just wrong. She’s still a person and should not be denied things just because of the way she looks. She was born like that and just couldn’t help that she was born that way” said the civilian with an angry expression “Discrimination runs amuck through these streets everyday an there’s something that needs to be done about it” said mayor Daley when asked about the controversy.

ELEVEN SECTION (VAHORA) "Canibi-Land"

“Canibi-Land”

 

A wise critic named Mark Twain once said “Man is the only animal that robs his helpless fellow of his country, takes possession of it and drives him out of it or destroys him” With this theory in mind, George Kaffuk from Arizona has opened a new restaurant where humans will be served. Since society names these useless, meaningless, and space-consuming poor people as “animals,” Kaffuk thought to give them a new meaning to life: Death. The grand opening of the 87th and 20th S. King Drive restaurant will hold a special discount where a free child will be served, with the purchase of a man. George Kaffuk, a successful businessman, created a variety of choices on the menu. From roasted, boiled, and fried to peppered and salted humans, “Canibi-Land” will give a new taste to your healthy diet. In the lunch special, Kaffuk and his staff will prepare African American packs—wolves and Hispanic coyotes. ** In the dinner special, Spicy American Originated Hispanics, and Nerdy Asians will be served. Since the breakfast hour is at its lowest peak in making money, Kaffuk decided to serve white trash. A perfect way to start your day! After doing considerable research and observation, George Kaffuk has analyzed that more than 300 million people do not have the necessities of life to survive. With this huge growing number of useless people, Kaffuk has predicted that there will be more than enough humans to feed on. Even with this prediction, customers are in line every day, fighting for one race over another. Kaffuk has to work long hours just to calm these rich customers down. He claims “People, do not worry! The U.S. government has passed a new law, Poor People Extinct Act,” where businesses like mine will be able to pick up these hobos from the streets and prepare a delicious meal for you and your family.” With this claim, corporations such as Subway and McDonald fear that their businesses will close down. In fact, they fear this growing business so much that Subway and McDonald has asked Kaffuk to close his restaurant for a 3 billion dollar investment. “Of course only a fool would do such,” exclaimed Kaffuk. The rating of “Canibi-Land” has grown to an astonishing 9.5 star. Next time, your typical American family craves a roasted, boiled or fried, salt and peppered poor, Nerdy Asian hobo, make sure you eat at “Canibi-Land.” This is the first time you may hear this: Eat and be smarter. 

Eleven Section: Flores

Hispanics Will Have To Wear Blue Star On Their Clothing Saying "I'm A Immigrant"
On October 15th 2009, Texas was among one of the first states to pass the "Extinct The Aliens" act, which is the act to deport all hispanics back to their original countries. There are more than 46 million hispanics living in the U.S that will have to get deported within the next year. This will boost up the economy and every American will have a job that they desire. Texas a state where more than 8 million hispanics live has been growing into a circus. Many non-hispanics are complaining that the hispanic people are taking their jobs because they take the lowest offer in pay. John Bush a born American Republican said "People in other states are blaming the recession for them not having jobs, I blame the hispanics who come here and steal our jobs." The crime rate in Texas has also gone up due to too many killings around the border. "The governor of Texas said "It will make the job of a cop easier. All they have to do is check if you're wearing a blue star arrest you, and you will get deported back to Puerto Rico or whatever Latin American country you're from." Among the first to get deported was Eva Longoria a Mexican American actress who was born and grew up in Texas. Since she was spot in the red carpet wearing a blue star she got deported. 

The Swat Team will be responsible in breaking into peoples home, companies, and schools arresting every hispanic with a blue star on their clothing. This act is supposed to increase the jobless American to get a job. Perry said "If we deport every hispanic in Texas, then the jobless American will be able to replace that hispanic that got deported." The ETA act was also passed in Illinois, New York, Florida, and California, where more than 3 million hispanics live in each of those states. Other states like Arizona, New Jersey, and Colorado will be building borders around their states, while the ETA act is still in process. The governor of Arizona Jan Brewer said in a news conference last night "We have more than 1 million hispanics in Arizona that we have to find and deport we don't need any more. So we have more than 300,000 Mexicans working day and night to finish building this border before any more hispanics migrate here." So don't be shocked to hear within the next few weeks that Middle Eastern people will have to wear red stars saying "I'm A Terrorist".   

TWO SECTION (LEON)

People Turn To Cannibalism In Order To Survive

November 15, 2009


Chicago, IL- We all knew this day would eventually come, with the state of the economy these days it is not surprising that the people of the city of Chicago have turned to cannibalism as a form of survival. Homeless people are main people that have resorted to this extreme form of survival. As more and more lower-class and middle-class families lose money in this crappy economy, the amount of people resorting to cannibalism is believed to only increase more and more.


This new trend in Chicago has not been all bad. A man that goes by the name of Bart Parker has actually benefited from this bizarre trend in Chicago by opening the world’s first restaurant that specializes in cooking and selling human meat. It has been named Lé Húman. This restaurant is quickly gaining 5 star status among the residents of Chicago. The homeless people that fill the alleys and abandoned streets of Chicago are happy that the trend they began has become a major hit in this city. They are not pleased, although, that it is their own kind that is being hunted down for the food served at Lé Húman.


One such man, Gregory First, is not at all pleased. “I am not happy because it started as us (homeless people) eating the weak and the sick, but now we are all being hunted, I have no where to go so I don’t feel safe at all. The owner of Lé Húman, Henry Tosh, defends himself by saying “Our meat is made from the finest human flesh, if that means cleaning the streets of Chicago of homeless people then so be it. We are doing a good thing.”


Now it is up to the citizens of Chicago to decide whether or not what is happening to this city is a good thing or an inhumane thing. One thing is for certain, we have been stripped of our humanity and forced to rely on our primal instincts.

One Section: Frank

Breaking News "Now that we perfected our government, we will perfect yours!"

All countries must be more like America. Since everything is so perfect in America right now, all peoples ages 10 and up will report to Washington D.C in 0900 hours for meeting. All people qualified to go will be either shipped or flown out to various countries and will be stationed there for a minimum of 6-8 months. All people leaving will be prepared for battle against all countries who wish not to follow America's policies. Those countries who disagree will be declared war upon. America is perfect and all other countries should strive to be more like America. America's economy is incredible. All of America's people have successful jobs and there are great opportunity's everywhere you turn. There are no gangs in America, and no killings. All men, women and children have health care. Other countries must change to be more like America. The government in America is no where near corrupt like other countries. The government looks out for the best interests of its country and will now look at the best interests of all the countries. This is because the people of our government are the most trusted and loyal people in all of the world. They are fit to rule the world. The government is so generous they are giving half of their salaries to charities for poorer countries that we will be taking over. All countries must abide under U.S. policies. If any country does not agree to follow America's orders they will be declared war upon. We will be inside every country telling them what they can and cannot do. We will have soldiers stationed at every block for miles in their cities. No country is allowed to make any sort of weapon, except for America of course. All countries will be under satellite surveillance at all times. No country is allowed to communicate with any other countries. All countries laws will be changed to the same laws that America has for its people. All other governments are now ran by America. If countries fail to accept they will be killed. We know some countries will disagree to this. This is why we need all peoples ages 10 and up to be prepared for duty.

Eleven Section (Akash Shah)

Politicians are like Diapers!

Come and buy the new diaper, Politician; it’s great for change. It will ensure that all your comforts’ are met with no room for mistakes. The finest of polyester has been used to construct this diaper that will leave marks of comfort on you forever. It is able to produce a soapy substance in the diaper that ensures all bacteria produced from either pee, farts and toxic waste is cleansed and fresh. Another feature is the easy access switch button where the diapers drop and recycles itself to be more efficient. Some special features you can get equipped to your diaper are: extra heating pads that are moist resistant, a walkie talkie system with surveillance attached to it, a tracker with emergency alert sounds for danger, etc. The package comes in two and the diapers are good for about a week each. Other accessories that are also attachable can be bought with the right price. The diapers are priceless for parents because they will produce change in the parents parenting life. If you want, you may want to purchase the auto-on mat also, which puts the diaper on for the parent with complete comfort. It’s a guaranteed 150% change in the life of parents and the babies. The parents will have time on their hands. The baby will have a shower in his pants without having to have his parents change him. What better change can you ask for? Buy the Politician for the low price of $49.99 plus tax at your closest diaper dealer and make the best investment of your life!

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ONE SECTION: GONZALEZ, E

Throughout this balled up chaotic planet called Earth, women from different shapes, sizes, and color are being sexually harassed. For instance, in this exact moment someone is being harassed somewhere in the world. Everyday in the news, there are stories being reported about women being harassed.
What actions is the world taking to prevent perverts harassing women? Men who harass women do it out of boredom. Sitting at home while watching porn is not enough for them. They want to get some action and get their hands dirty.
But we never hear about a woman sexually harassing a man, do we? Well recently I have learned that a full grown man was being harassed by a woman. How can that be guys? This whole times men have been showing us that they are strong, tough, macho, and very powerful. But hey it is not that bad, men can handle it no matter what. Well girls, men turned out to be wimps.
On November 10, 2009, Marilyn Chopper harassed poor Billy Bob, at the park. There was no one around so Marilyn took advantage. She has been harassing men throughout her entire 100 years of living. You see, even old women are getting in on the fun. Once Marilyn was approaching Billy Bob, he noticed the voracious look she had. He then started to run away but was then hit by his own football he left behind. He fell and started to cry like a big baby that he is. Billy Bob was harassed in so many ways he never heard of, but we will never find out exactly what happened.
Marilyn was taken into the big house. Due to a source of Mr. Bob, he did not attend the hearing because he was too frightened and humiliated. With that being the case, Marilyn was freed from the big house. Mr. Bob left top another state only to find himself checking into a Men Sexually Harassed Anonymous. (MSHA).
Marilyn Chopper was left to find another baby only to find herself again in the big house. The man, being weak as he is, ended up exactly where Billy Bob checked himself into. Apparently the world wants perverts roaming around the streets because there is no severe punishment being given.

ELEVEN SECTION: Zaia









IRAQ MIRROR IMAGE OF U.S.
Many thought that Iraq would soon blow itself up. This was a common belief because of the extremists going crazy around about this country, and the lack of control. The extremists that once ran about are stopping and creating a peace corps according to reporter Trisha Takanawa. “It is a beautiful day today in Baghdad, Iraq white picket fences along houses hoarding Kentucky blue grass, children playing, and dogs barking.” Now it seems that it is a mirror image of our own United States and western culture. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has planned stepped down to governor of Iraq in response to it’s planned induction into the U.S. as the 51st state. “Democracy has prevailed” according to reporter Yosep Brosef Mohamed Ali Nourari of the Al Jazeera network. “Tyranny has been completely swept out of Iraq, extremist’s replaced with mere gang bangers, and desert land replaced with gorgeous suburbs. Iraq is planned to be inducted on January 1st, 2010. Iraq is beginning to look as if it were a “mirror image of the west” according to Barack Obama. The once torn and shattered Baghdad skyline is beginning to look similar to that of Chicago or LA. Donald Trump has planned a trip to Baghdad regarding the placement of a new “Trump Tower.”



Religiously Diverse Nineveh Plains Handed To Indigenous Owners.The
Assyrians of Northern Iraq also known as the Nineveh Plains have had their indigenous rights restored. According to reporter Ashur Khoshaba Yosep of the Aljazeera Network, Nineveh will not be part of the Iraqi induction. The Assyrians have been given aid by the U.S. government to form their own government, military, and country. The Assyrians will have completely independency as a country and will be given aid just as Israel was in the 1950’s. The once fearful Assyrians have nothing to worry about anymore; they are no longer being targeted because of their big noses or hairy men. They have used the funding to create day spas and Best Buy’s. They are a very lazy and weak people who enjoy their time sitting lazily into a couch. The induction of Iraq has been a great help to these Assyrians, with no political extremists targeting them they can go back to their ways of life. They not longer have to stay on guard and look over their shoulders. Instead, they are able to go back to their card games, reckless drinking, gambling, and most but not least ridiculous eating habits. McDonalds offered the Assyrian council a free franchise to own and operate within their land, they refused. They instead opened their own franchise named McDolma’s and began serving Assyrian style fast food.

Story behind new Iraqi democracy.
The Prime Minister of Iraq stated today “Democracy was a choice Iraq made as a nation, we were not forced and there was no intervention.” The U.S. military has not invaded Iraq since the golfing war of the early 90’s. It seems to be that this is the type of change that only occurs through intervention. However, this is not the case. “Democracy is just the beginning” stated the Prime Minister. “We are being inducted and have plans of retail shopping malls, miniskirts, jack Daniels liquor, strip clubs, illegal drug sales, political corruption, and materialistic morals.” It seems now that Iraq is going to be at peace, zion at last.

ELEVEN SECTION : Pinal

Drop-out Rates of Inner-city Daycare at all time High

By: Bianca Pinal

Chicago, IL. The Chicago Board of Education has recently issued a national emergency due to the highest number of Daycare dropouts. "Children are the future and its starts with toddlers. This country has a crisis on its hands, and that crisis is that inner-city daycare centers are in poor condition," said vice president of the school board, Clare Munana. Munana, along with the rest of the board, will be taking a tour around the city to investigate the state of the city's daycare centers. Daycare centers such as Honey Tree Early Learning Center, My Corner Playroom, Little Hands Learning Center, Jolly Fun House Playschools and many others have been constantly asking the city for money to repair conditions to the centers. Principal of ABC & Me, Ebony Jones remarked, "The resources we have for the children are limited. We can't expect our kids to go far with this lack of resources. We just can't. The teachers we have are amazing, but they always come to me and ask for more money in their budget for more supplies and I just feel awful because I have to turn them down, when I know that it's for the kids. I feel like I'm letting down the kids, but there is absolutely no money to spend."
As the drop-out rate rises, so has the number of fights and delinquent activities. Carla Flores, a teacher at Little Angels Daycare Center, spoke about the rising violence at her center, "the toddlers are not learning as much as they can because of the resources, so they feel that no one cares if they succeed. That's when they resort to violence. They are just angry at this system they will probably be stuck in for the rest of their life. And that's just sad because education is what levels the playing field." Toddlers will steal each others’ toys, graffiti the naptime mats, and not finish their juice as a protest to this unfair system.
Inner-city daycare centers have had a bad rep for education but many blame it on the environment. Latoya Lewis, a teacher for My Corner Playroom, remark on this issue, “Yes, the streets need to be cleaned up and that starts with getting our kids off the streets and in schools. But the tots feel like they can learn more on the streets hustling then read books that have pages torn out. And they know that in other daycare center, the kids there are learning their abc’s on Macs. If we want to enhance their learning abilities, level the playing field, and keep them off the streets and on track, then we need to provide the necessary resources to nourish their young minds before their short attention span falls to the streets. They happens everyday where these kids quickly turn to the streets. You see them walking around, trying to get the other toddlers to join them, wearing baggy pants, their diaper showing, water guns in their pocket, SpongeBob tattoos on their arms. I don’t want that for my baby and neither should you. So they need to give them a safe and nourishing environment. l

Two Section: Guzman



Heart Shaped Prison

Due to the high cost to keep terrorists on Guantanamo Bay, the U.S. Government has decided to relocate the prison to New York City. The prison will be built on ground zero to reduce cost for demolition and will use the original foundation that was partially recovered from the World Trade Center. Due to budget cuts the prison will not include any steel objects such as bared doors, locked windows, fencing, alarms, cameras, guns, and to reduce cost for laundry the prisoners will be able to wear clothes donated by local thrift stores.

The U.S. Government’s design for the new structure will be designed as a two story heart shaped building. Officials and residents question not only the apparent odd location but as well as why is the building heart shaped. The Architect Osama Bomblandin explains “the building is a symbolism of the strongest muscle and also the building is designed to look nice and peaceful so that the public doesn’t feel threatened by it…” Many New York Residents say they feel uncomfortable regardless of the shape of the building. Ivonna Getkilled, a New Yorker states “I feel like scared! They moved deadly terrorist right into our city! And on top of that: They put them ON TOP of the place where many of us lost our lives, friends, and family! What the hell were they thinking!?” A U.S. representative replied by sending Ivonna an AK-47, with an American flag drawn on it and the words “My friend, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it. -Barack Obama” inscribed on it.

Though many worry for the safety issue, the U.S. Government says not to worry because the detainees wouldn’t have relatives visiting them and the prison would bring jobs to the city. “The high tech gear, the extravagant systems are needless to say, unnecessary; we can survive with a big stick with a nail on it!” Joked the warden of the new prison, Joe Daidiot.