Nick's Satire Paper

CNN- Today's bloody pirate attack offers a welcome moment of relief from news of economic woes. A poll suggests that Americans are tired of hearing about the practical and realistic details of the recession and are relieved to have new enemies.
U.S Citizens are tired of the agonizing pain they feel in their joints, all because of the extensive unemployment lines. Seeing as how our nation has hit an all time low economic status, people have forgotten how to enjoy their lives. Gambling used to be the number one solution to a boring Sunday evening, but not anymore. People don’t have any money to gamble with whatsoever.
The recent string of Somalia pirate attacks has sparked the idea of looting cruise ships in our country. Our nation has been divided into two major political parties: Pirates and the Pirate Hunters.
The president of the pirate’s society is the most famous pirate of the seven seas, Captain Jack Sparrow. His territory spans from the peninsula of Florida and all the way northwest until the Mississippi River.
The opposing groups, or the good guys, are known as X-Force. This team was brought together by one of the most powerful people in the superhero world, Wolverine. Wolverine, at age 24, created X-Force to combat the many pirates that have been currently trying to hi-jack the ships that enter the U.S water territory. So far, the X-Force has been forming quite rapidly, especially due to all the unemployed citizens that have been running out of the employment lines in search of a new method of paying their ridiculously high credit card bills.
April 22, 2009 marks a milestone in the fight against piracy. The pirates overseas have actually gone high-tech. They have recruited many international geniuses to hack into our military bases and steal confidential fire codes, along with Apple’s top 10 iTunes list of music. Now the nation is forced to fight two types of piracy. Jack Sparrow continues to fight without showing any chance of giving up. His arsenal of minions continues to grow.
The division of the nation into Pirates and X-Force has been great in helping people in much financial debt see life from a lighter perspective. Loyal citizens are more interested in joining the fight against piracy, therefore joining X-Force. Other citizens that have given up on the financial system and are in so much debt that they blame our nations banks have decided to “take back what’s rightfully ours,” as stated by Captain Ahab, who is currently Sparrow’s right hand man.
X-Force and its massive number of unemployed citizens continue to increase in the masses. Even though our countries safety specialists, such as police, have been divided as well, X-Force has declared its official fight to the finish with Piracy.