One Section: Naranjo

Judge Hacks Away At Crime Rate
November 17, 2009


Hackemauph, LA—The number of violent sexual crimes in this country is astounding. In 2007, according to the U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Statistics, 248,388 sexual assaults were reported. Of all the sexual crimes reported, only about two-thirds of the convicted rapists received a prison sentence. For those sentenced to prison, the average term imposed was just under 14 years, and 2% of the convicted were sentenced to life in prison. The Bureau Justice of Statistics found by monitoring the felons placed on probation or those released from prison that “…rapists were more likely than others [non-sexual violent offenders] to be re-arrested of a new rape.”


Judge Lorena B. Baulbustier, of Hackemauph, Louisiana is ready to nip the sexual crime right in the bud. In her thirty-two years on the bench, Judge Baulbustier has ordered castration for fifteen violent sexual crime re-offenders with longstanding records. The Judge also keeps the remains of the convicted as souvenirs in a jar on her mantel. “Look, some in my field might consider these methods to be somewhat of an extremity,” she defends as she straightens the jars on her oak mantel, “but I always argue the sexual crimes here in Hackemauph have been downsized significantly. In my thirty-two years on the bench, I’ve only had to use these measures a handful of times.”


Judge Baulbustier has even ordered some of the less violent repeat offenders of sexual crimes to be branded on conspicuous areas of their bodies. Rosemary Sliceau, a Social Worker in the Sexual Deviancy Office in Hackemauph said “One repeat offender, who was branded on the outside of his hand, had been seen hanging around near elementary schools wearing gloves. This got back to Judge Baulbustier and she called it a violation of his probation, and ordered a branding to his forehead of the words ‘Pervy Peter’. His name was Peter.” If the offender is foolishly covering himself with tattoos to cover the brands, Judge Baulbustier will order that he wear clothes in public that read “Property of Baulbustier.” “The idea is to humiliate them.” states Judge Baulbustier, “I’ll make sure everyone in this town is reminded of the sexual deviants that prey on our townspeople until the day I’m dead and gone.”


The thirty-two year veteran says, “I am a third generation Baulbustier on the bench and I hope my Daddy and Grandaddy are looking down from above saying, ‘That's my lil' Baulbustier!’”