TWO SECTION: Flores

Animal Rights: The Thin Line Between Upper Class Dogs and Their Owners.

CHICAGO, IL-- It was reported that this past Monday John Widrow pleaded guilty to allegations made against him in a case regarding Ralphy, a two year old Pomeranian from Chicago’s north side. Ralphy contacted authorities within minutes of his suspicion towards his family’s new house keeper. No one really knows how the puppy made the call, nor how he relayed his message to the operator, but it is certain that they were able to get authorities to the scene as fast as possible. Officer James Gonthrop stated, “once we got the call we knew something had to be wrong. The second my squad and I met Ralphy, we knew it had to be serious and something had truly disturbed this poor pup. I mean, he was wearing a Prada leather jacket and sunglasses. He obviously meant business.” Authorities are withholding further information regarding the case of Ralphy Vs. Widrow.

It is cases such as these that are surfacing all around our nation at an alarming rate. It was stated just weeks ago that Lola, a shih tzu from Lincoln Park, filed a noise complaint against her owners Harry and Jane. Stating, "they never know when to turn off their afro-Cuban funk music. Hopefully the $150 ticket will teach them something."

Police commissioner Will Tido told reporters this morning, "the C.P.D is doing everything in their power to keep the dogs of Chicago happy and well pampered." Commissioner Tido also added, "I believe that if we put all of our efforts forth, the people of Chicago will understand their place in this world and will see who the superiors really are." Before finishing his interviews with reporters, Commissioner Tido was quickly pulled away by his German Shepard, Hanz.

Several protest groups have formed in the passed week. Last week in New York, NY a group of protesters formed outside of the headquarters of Pooch Outfitters, a leading distributer in dog fashion. Armed with poster boards, opinions, and a mega-phone, they claimed that, "Pooch Outfitters is the downfall of what was once a great society." Jeremy Sullivan, lead spokesman for this protest said, "I have a good feeling that our words will inspire people to stand up and fight for what is right." Shortly after the cops arrived with the K-9 unit and broke up the peaceful protest.

It is not yet determined what is in store for the countless victims who have been subjected to human stupidity and insolence. To deal with the rising problem of humans acting out, training classes have been set up by the state of Illinois. Local trainer and dog owner Ed Dosire has volunteered to train humans at these weekly sessions being offered by the state. Dosire stated, "We'll see if I can work my magic. I'm really not making any promises. I do hope, however, these classes will make a difference in the lives of both dogs and humans."

Only time can tell how long the dogs can stand the sight of humans. Commissioner Tido added, "If all else fails, and the dogs need to be purged of the human existence, America always need oil miners."